Sunday, April 26, 2009
/ 10:59 PM
Quarter Life Crisis
Funny as it is that everyday, i go through the same mental note to update my blog when I get home; I will always have the urge to write in the day but the desire dies down when i sit in front of my desktop. I never come around doing it, there's always something else that needed attention. Time just runs pass the digits and adds another day to the year.
This year was the start to doing something differently, to pick up things that I have always wanted to learn which I did - Salsa. Joined with a group of friends and I look forward to that exhilarating one hour of quick step hip movements and Cuban fast-paced music. It makes me feel young again.
I looked around me every time, and I see young pretty girls dressing up, having fun living their life. What they seemed to be experiencing looked so different from what I did when I was at their age.. and that was just a few years back.
I feel old; in terms of looks, maturity and perspectives. Make up is one of the greatest invention to date, it masks the flaws of age but yet slowly and discretely, it contributes to the dry, rough and inelastic skin of once a young girl. I have always been a risk-adverse person, but in my younger days, I like to throw in moments of excitement and fun, surprises that enlivened my life and made school like a hang out place away from town. Right now, I feel empty and scared to try new things, and feel guilty of making the wrong choice and how it would impact the people around me. I was reading an article on Cosmopolitan over the weekend, it talks about how women are more prone to feeling guilty the 'fact' that they cant support their love ones wholeheartedly in the expense of her own interests, the fact that they cant put others needs ahead of theirs etc (I should talk more about this in details when i have the article on hand). The point is, was I in this category; why do i always feel bad if I cant do a certain something that will make someone else happy?
I wondered how differently my life could have been if I went ahead and studied overseas instead of feeling bad for touching my family's already strained finance when my sis was studying in Australia. And when I gave up studying my third year for my university course over in Melbourne. As well as the half a year's of exchange program in North Carolina for the fear that the distance and time difference might cause strain to my relationship then. Not to mention that I have thought about working overseas, to experience life when Im younger but have dismissed the thought as my parents might be lonely.
Largely I just blame myself for procrastinating and being indecisive. I don't have overly high expectations of myself, although some did see me as a perfectionist, its just that I never get about achieving things that will make me feel less bitter inside because of my guilt, my weakness that Im too soft hearted to be cruel to make others worry.
Or maybe... Im just too afriad to take the plunge.
I'm worried that I will never get to achieve 'it', I'll just be someone ordinary, that wakes up at 7 and goes to work behind the desk from 9 - 7pm. Maybe I will have a family in a few years time and goes home to do household chores, cook and attend to my children, who will grow up and they will experience the life that I have always dream of. My life will always be just a colored television; one that sees what is happening around the world, but will always remain on the shelf, in the house, with the whole big universe out there.
Why are so many acquaintance and friends of mine getting married this year? At 25?! or the one and two years that doesnt make much of a difference. Its a thought that feels so foreign to me, i cannot imagine getting married to someone, being tied down and doing the above for the rest of my life. Having kids, when Im not ready to even think I have totally grown up and see the world like how adults do.
My heart feels like it weighs a ton and that I have just 'wasted' an hour 'screaming' out what has been living inside me for a year or two, something that will only change if I can be strong enough.
Was I as strong as I used to be?
Funny as it is that everyday, i go through the same mental note to update my blog when I get home; I will always have the urge to write in the day but the desire dies down when i sit in front of my desktop. I never come around doing it, there's always something else that needed attention. Time just runs pass the digits and adds another day to the year.
This year was the start to doing something differently, to pick up things that I have always wanted to learn which I did - Salsa. Joined with a group of friends and I look forward to that exhilarating one hour of quick step hip movements and Cuban fast-paced music. It makes me feel young again.
I looked around me every time, and I see young pretty girls dressing up, having fun living their life. What they seemed to be experiencing looked so different from what I did when I was at their age.. and that was just a few years back.
I feel old; in terms of looks, maturity and perspectives. Make up is one of the greatest invention to date, it masks the flaws of age but yet slowly and discretely, it contributes to the dry, rough and inelastic skin of once a young girl. I have always been a risk-adverse person, but in my younger days, I like to throw in moments of excitement and fun, surprises that enlivened my life and made school like a hang out place away from town. Right now, I feel empty and scared to try new things, and feel guilty of making the wrong choice and how it would impact the people around me. I was reading an article on Cosmopolitan over the weekend, it talks about how women are more prone to feeling guilty the 'fact' that they cant support their love ones wholeheartedly in the expense of her own interests, the fact that they cant put others needs ahead of theirs etc (I should talk more about this in details when i have the article on hand). The point is, was I in this category; why do i always feel bad if I cant do a certain something that will make someone else happy?
I wondered how differently my life could have been if I went ahead and studied overseas instead of feeling bad for touching my family's already strained finance when my sis was studying in Australia. And when I gave up studying my third year for my university course over in Melbourne. As well as the half a year's of exchange program in North Carolina for the fear that the distance and time difference might cause strain to my relationship then. Not to mention that I have thought about working overseas, to experience life when Im younger but have dismissed the thought as my parents might be lonely.
Largely I just blame myself for procrastinating and being indecisive. I don't have overly high expectations of myself, although some did see me as a perfectionist, its just that I never get about achieving things that will make me feel less bitter inside because of my guilt, my weakness that Im too soft hearted to be cruel to make others worry.
Or maybe... Im just too afriad to take the plunge.
I'm worried that I will never get to achieve 'it', I'll just be someone ordinary, that wakes up at 7 and goes to work behind the desk from 9 - 7pm. Maybe I will have a family in a few years time and goes home to do household chores, cook and attend to my children, who will grow up and they will experience the life that I have always dream of. My life will always be just a colored television; one that sees what is happening around the world, but will always remain on the shelf, in the house, with the whole big universe out there.
Why are so many acquaintance and friends of mine getting married this year? At 25?! or the one and two years that doesnt make much of a difference. Its a thought that feels so foreign to me, i cannot imagine getting married to someone, being tied down and doing the above for the rest of my life. Having kids, when Im not ready to even think I have totally grown up and see the world like how adults do.
My heart feels like it weighs a ton and that I have just 'wasted' an hour 'screaming' out what has been living inside me for a year or two, something that will only change if I can be strong enough.
Was I as strong as I used to be?
We know life's hard, truth is hard, lies are hard, they are all hard to accept when they have been
found out, and i'm rushing history homework on the Abyissian Crisis about Italy and Abyssia going into war and that the League Of Nations cannot stop this from happening, and beacuse they are formed by means to stop war and
peace-keep the countries together, they have thus failed to achieve that. I think i tend to hold a class for history instead of telling you about me, i'm basically a what subject-realted lover (humanities) and thus
I am more analytical and critical about things, and likes to study about dead people, haha. lol. it's history what can you expect and also geography, it amazes me. I really like it alot, so what have you? Again to find this answer
you need to enter into your own reality and reflect
it's amazing. amzing how people change the way of things, like how I used to hate outdoors in Band
felt it was a complete waste of time, i've acquired to like it more, i guess people change, their thereotical means and applications in life just goes on into a new direction, and see things in another perspective, i guess- it's
all in the mind. It really amazes me how these comes into action, from someone so pessimistic has changed his own view of things, and thus my friend is scoring much better, being more optimisitc and not think of his old way of suicidal
thoughts, which are pretty daunting. and thus we need to see things, in another light, another perspective and another new way, to enable us to open up our minds, and make more new things, the new way it is. 
